Purpose Bipolar Precision
Purpose Bipolar Precision
Why do I screw myself over?
I have noticed a trait in myself I do not understand. For an example: when I play poker online I can play so well with no mistakes in my game, then out of nowhere it could be 5 minutes into it or 5 hours later I will suddenly self sabotage myself and lose money(on purpose it seems!) and kick myself in the butt. I get so frustrated because it hits me out of nowhere. It’s almost like I get possessed by something and it makes me “hurt myself” in whatever I’m doing. This same thing happens in social situations, I could feel great and able to talk to people with perfect clarity and understand everything with amazing precision. Then again I will find myself lying for no reason and say things I don’t even want to say. I feel like dr. jeckl & mr. hyde!! The worst part is the frustration from the things I do that I don’t have control over. I wish i could just stay on the “good” part. Is this what bipolar is? am i schizo? I feel like I’m being robbed of all the good things I’m capable of.
wish I could help you, but I’ve been my own worst enemy for most of my life….
I once was in court and got a 2 year state prison term (I had it coming to me)
the Judge was telling me how he was letting me off easy (which he was) he smiling and even joked a little……needless to say I turned a 2 year term into a 4 year term in less then a minute….to this day I have no idea why I did it… I’ve been doing stuff like that to my self for 20 years, I don’t know why..